Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Bleak Future

Filmed on Super 8 in 95 and 96, and trust me you can tell it had extra super in the camera. It’s like getting nipple to nipple with a bear. Originally ‘released’ with no distribution in 97, it was finally picked up for wide distribution in 08. A mix between Hell Comes to Frogtown (long live Nada!) and Bad Taste, with a script that was most likely written or based on the works of that hilariously edgy street bitch Jane Austen, or Brian Austin Green, sorry I get all those massive vaginas mixed up.

I can think of no other movie that comes this close to being old school Troma. It recalls the wonder years of Toxie, Nuke ‘em High, Kabuki man, and the like. You know being called a cocksucker isn’t personal, it’s two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response. But what if somebody calls my mama a whore? So, our magical picture follows the adventures of Slangman after the fall of the earth and all governments. Slangman has a dictionary and claims to be the smartest man in the world. Truth be told, he seems to actually be the smartest man alive, too bad Carrot Top died a decade earlier, that bitch woulda given him a run for his money.

If you ask me, Slangman has entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.

Next, a tongueless skirt-wearing warrior finds a CD copy of Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet and decides to trek north to some mystical house of sex and drugs called the source.

He fails to get laid.

Slangman joins up with the tongueless warrior whom he names Atlatl (I swear to god he’s a Baldwin), who is later named Mcdoogal by post-apocalyptic hippy Jesus. They are later teamed with what would probably be the stupidest actress ever, named Femme, which he bought with a Twinkie. He fails to seal the deal. I had actually heard that Slangman had balls big enough to come in a dump truck, but he don’t look like much to me.

Opinions vary.

A world of completely incapable idiots and equally moronic mutants fills the screen for the entire run time of the movie. Slangman’s limpdick story is told in a series of action packed extravaganza ‘episodes’ that never let you relax. Listen you snot-nose little shit, I was takin’ shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crappin’ in your hands and rubbin’ it on your face. There’s not much to the story other than they go north and craziness ensues. Oh, and some guy with a mask sits on a bike for 5 minutes while music plays and people look at him, that was in there too.

All Slangman’s massive failures to get his dinky whang slick, build to their culmination of Malathion Man! A burn victim that bless his little heart, through the aid of the make a wish foundation roams the wastelands and squirts toxic urine out of his limp wrist. Really tugs at the heartsrings, don’t it? But remember take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he’ll drop like a stone. He’s following the skirt-wearing tongueless warrior, oh, first loves…

Did I mention they walk a lot and try to get to the source? Ya, well that’s what they do.

There’s even some futuristic beastie boys dressed in some clean room suits, we all know that’s just crazy, like you know, the FBI paying to teach you to surf. Ridiculous characters pop up everywhere and do nothing but jump around like idiots and spout random gibberish; you know like every single thing Lloyd Kaufman’s homeless scented balls have rubbed up against (I’m looking in your direction Diablo Cody).

Most reviews spitefully call this nothing more than one Monty Python rip off after another. However, I can only agree that much if not all of the humor is ridiculous and one or two situations seem familiar, BUT this movie owes more to the entire back catalog of Troma than anything those brilliantly funny British bitches did. And to really lay this one to death, the only python on screen was in slangmans pants and it unfortunately, stayed there. Them sweet, sweet pants want revenge so you might just want to carry your medical record around with you. It saves time.

Slangman, Obviously the inspiration to Harry (bangers n’ mash) Potter, is entirely entertaining by doing nothing but pulling dumbass faces and ranting like a acting school dropout. Filmed mostly in the desert or at Slangman’s grandmother’s house, but wait, there was even a short part in a bar that I believe was called the Double Douche, or sorry Deuce. Nice place.

Slangman is played by that guy from high school who ran for class president just to spite the jocks and was on the yearbook team, AV club and ‘captain’ of the debate team. Ya, you remember he usually wore some dead hermaphrodites renaissance clothing to school and carried his books in a briefcase and probably owned a hawk and has pictures of his pale girlfriend (naked in the woods holding the hawk on her arm) hidden in a hollowed out leather-bound copy of Lord of the rings.

He also failed to get laid.

But wait, there’s more! The best part is the fact that these guys know they got a great little fun dick flick and they want people to see it. Well, how’s that gonna happen on your mom’s tight budget? Easy peasy, just go to http://bleakfuture.com/ and stream the movie for free or download the torrent for the film courtesy of films writer and director. These badasses just want you to feel the love.

And that is pretty damn cool.

They also failed to get laid.

Unfortunately this show gets a 1 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, twats that? Ya, it made my pickle tickle, like when lucky almost gets caught by those little dirty shitheads, but he gets away at the last second with his magical marshmallow ass gaskets and smokes some meth.

And fails to get laid.

Why you should see this movie: Listen, it’s free, and it’s some funny shit, so just check it out or Dalton will be nice until it’s time to not be nice.

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: Well, There’s always Barber College.

6 degrees to Uwe:

Frank Kowal was a total bitch in Bleak Future and an asshole in Audie & the Wolf with Christa Campbell.

Christa was le douche times deux in Revamped with Alana Curry

Alana smelled like bongwater in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines with Kristanna Loken

Kristanna IS Bloodrayne, directed by Uwe (weasel cock juice) Boll

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

By Request from Lady Julie Nocturne:
Shadow Puppets
The sensitive man’s horror

The bittersweet and engagingly told epic of a love that could never be. A movie so heart wrenching that it could only be imparted with the aid of James Marsters in Jersey Boxers. Oh, and it was scary or some shit or whatever, eih?

A group of amnesiacs awaken locked in some kind of science lab with high security and no bathrooms, so naturally they begin to share stories and braid each others hair. Pain and suffering follows, only because these wounded souls won’t stop and listen to their hearts, when he’s calling them, listen to their hearts, there’s nothing else they can do. While wandering the local high school fallout shelter, or wherever they are, they find an Old man hooked up to a 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor, damn it don’t they know that it is worthless unless the old man is traveling 88 miles an hour!? All this pain could have been avoided if they just put an acme rocket up his senile ass and light the fuse. At this point creepiness was intended to ensue. I’m positive I saw a Swedish penis enlarging pump on the table in the lab as well. Not that I’m looking for mine. This one was too clean and underused, it lacked a certain indefinable quality, you know caked on dirt and dried blood.

There is talk of the mind, the body, and the soul and some thing along those lines, stuff about wiping memories clean and something or other, but there were too many opportunities for me to try and catch a nipple slip or see some scrumptious man package, so I didn’t pay any attention to dialog, in fact I don’t even know if there were any words spoken in this tour de force. Let me tell you, if thinly veiled RT and tank tops are your ‘thing’, then this flick is probably gonna be your mouthful of tea bag.

Deep down this is just a story about a shadow creature that wants so badly to make a meaningful love connection. So, I guess I should introduce you to our star, forlorn lover, Danny: The Shadow Creature. A big dark blue-eyed cloud that is actually pure life essence shat from some old man’s ass. He has a super multi octo-cock-topus, which was the cause of much teasing in junior high. Kids can be so mean, especially if you have eight huge shadow boners randomly popping out in class. No trapper keeper is gonna hide that shit! Danny is perhaps a Scorpio and a book lover, I’m not sure, but I do know this, every time he tries to have sex with one of these amnesiac renobs, the long shadow shaft only impales them. The one way he can truly show his affection for others is the one thing that kills those he loves, how tragically depressing. He’s also afraid of the water, ever since that incident where he dove in and his trunks came off right in front of Stacy Keach. Stacy laughed at seven of his eight sword shaped penises and Danny cried for weeks. He never fully recovered you know. Some times on a night just like this, they say you can still hear his cries.

The movie also stars Jolene Blalock, from Starship Troopers 3, James Marsters from Dragonball Evolution and Tony Todd from Shadow: Dead Riot. All sexually charged mega blockbusters! There’s even some nerdy kid that I’m pretty damn sure is named Jerry Mitchell and was in a fight in high school with Buddy Revell. I heard Buddy doesn’t like to be touched and the last teacher that did, he killed them, and that’s why he’s transferred here. Then there’s some foreign chick that has the ability to transform from hot to nappy in zero metric seconds flat. Some other characters that I didn’t give a shit about, but I’m sure they have nice personalities…

The production is slick, and the directing is awesome. I was so scared when the camera zoomed in, and then it zoomed out down a hallway. Intensity that can only be matched by the likes of hardcore tweeting! There is even this amazing effect they created where the wall looks like concrete, but you can see wood grain in it, almost like wood painted gray and it tastes like a swedish penis enlarger, damn that is frightening!

Candyman shows up, but since he lost his hook to Uwe Boll in a high stakes game of duck duck goose, he tries to kill a chick with a dry erase marker (I shit you not!) for showing too much poon crease. Sadly, the crease survives unscathed but entirely covered in mayonnaise scabs. Now that is scary! Like snakes and spiders, and lazy eyes!

Dear god in heaven, this movie reminded me that Tony Todd is one badass mother- shut yo mouth - what? I’m just talking about Tony Todd. He steals the whole show! Everything he does is so monumentally cool I wanted to shiv myself in the showers! Sure Spike is pretty cool, but he is out badassed by Candyman every time. It made me completely lose consciousness and bleed from my nose and ears while shitting candy canes from my chocolate ass sphincter. ANGRY DRAGON POWERS ENGAGE!

After much wandering and unsuccessful (moose knuckle induced) shadow booty calls, there is a lot of shooting, yelling, and running; all to answer the damn phone. They really would have been pissed had they answered it and some douchebag was offering them a lower interest rate on their credit card. What’s in your meat wallet? Our awesome group of people just wanders around trying to figure out what happened to them and how to get out.

BITCH, don’t mess with Tony Todd!

Since Danny the Shadow Creature is incredibly attracted to a man in uniform (it says so on his match.com page), it turns out that the less clothing you wear the less he will want to octo-hump you. In the end (approx. 1:36:35) Jolene falls and shows her taut ass cheeks to frighten and confuse Danny the Shadow Creature, naturally he pops a multiple sword boner, but hesitates with confusion.
Could it be?
After all this he has finally realized that there is something more to life than just a tactful drunk sister humping in the woods?
Oh, and such is his fate, just as Javert learned of Providence, our hero Danny the Shadow Creature sees that love transcends all. Even though our hero Danny can travel through solid matter he refuses to escape the rays of the sun’s unyielding light and bursts into the sky (sporting some mean morning octo-wood) and explodes giving his life and love to all of us instead.

There is no greater love…

In the bitter end, this particular poison tastes of a 5 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter. It would have been worse, but Tony Todd bitch slaps the taste of cock from your mouth.

Why you should see this movie: Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that’s where Danny the Shadow Creature was carrying you.

6 degrees to Uwe!
Tony Todd is the man in Shadow Puppets and was in Dark Reel with Edward Furlong
Edward Furlong is now in Stoic a new movie directed by the king himself Uwe “smack my bitch up” Boll

Next time I will return with our regularly scheduled program already in progress with Bleak Future!

Ferguson Takes One For The

Team Presents:

The Crypt

Or Tasty Bitch Grave robbers vs. the Undead.
Written, directed, produced, original music, and cinematography by Craig McMahon, who by the way may or may not sing for Buckcherry, but most definitely is one sensual bastardo!

The movie is basically a bunch of spliff-induced actresses trying really hard to be hardened criminals that are going to break into a crypt and steal some jewels from the provocatively inclined dead. One guy is along for the ride with his more innocent girlfriend and that’s really about it. They get down there, things go slow, shit happens and we all take Xanax and draw our feelings.

Yes, that’s right, it is a bunch of women underground with some bad things waiting for them. Now, I (as a passionately trained sexy professional) tried very hard to NOT make any comparisons between this and the Descent, but the harder you try, the more this movie defies you. There are scenes that appear so damn similar that you just can’t help it. Girl caught small tight space while a it begins to cave in while also talking to friends, or how about this one: a lone girl wanders over from the group and shines her light down a hallway, blah, blah, you know how it goes.

You may ask at various horny points, what’s that at the end of the hall there, and Rasta Aslan happily answers “It be da sunlight bitches, go grow dem some smoke!” Yes, that’s right nighttime underground locked in a crypt and there is sunlight. In fact every hallway is lined with electric working lights, yet these sultry criminals still have their headlamps turned on the whole damn time. Why? Well, everyone knows headlamps make demons cry! That’s why. This movie is constantly full of light everywhere there shouldn’t be any, and lusty temptresses where others would have put milfs. So, from a hallway to a room to the same hallway and back to the same room and then they end up in water. Did you know that if you put the camera in a different corner of the room, then magically it is a different room! And Rasta Aslan says, “Shit ya!”

The ghostly people in the crypt are creepily well done. Unfortunately when they actually kill, it’s all build up and no pay off, you know like having sex with a soccer player.

At 37 minutes I finally had to check how much time had passed and to my surprise it was in fact NOT an hour, this movie magically places the viewer in a djinn like lamp where time does not pass. All this sexiness must have rendered time incapable of progressing.

As for the “Crypt” itself, Good god the thing just keeps going! I was expecting Hoggle or Jareth to pop up around the next corner. They never did. Assholes. Fortunately this crypt like labyrinth has two openings and to it’s esteem, it took it form both ends.

Our sexy ghosts just want their family jewels back, so in the end the two remaining thieves give them all back and they just (sexily) saunter on by. But wait, you didn’t think it would be that easy did you? No one gets out, not really, oh shit, don’t look now one of the girls still has a bracelet and all hell is gonna break loose!

Now see here Craig McMahon, they got out and the movie is over, I cannot fathom these people suffering any more pain or unduly lustfulness! BUT NO! Instead they decide to throw another act at us, and the boner inducing crypt phantoms ascend and get final revenge and oh my god what a great ending, what?, but WAIT, HELL NO, that just didn’t feel final enough. Rasta Aslan roars “Cool dem cheap dirty sluts now, dis shit aint been over yet!” Someone decides to go back down again. If you’re keeping score, which I am not, the movie should have ended last fortnight, but someone was just too sexily indecisive to pick a conclusion and stick with it.
So the chick goes back and who the hell knows what happened then, it just kind of fades into the halls of eternal sexibility.

There are only three reasons that a love story should exist in a horror movie:
1. So that one of the lovers can die later and then very sexy revenge is imminent.
2. So that one of the lovers turns out to be the killer (oh, how simply scandalous).
3. So we can have some tits and ass, and possibly bare male ass cheeks (since that’s all these Hollywood cowards are willing to give us lately).

Luckily this movie follows the rules and gives not only a quick glance at some perk-a-liciously trashy boobs, but it also graces us with a death of a loved one. Oh snap, did they really die down there? Sadly no man ass is included in this tender love story. Is it actually possible to go down into a crypt and steal anything without some bare man cheeks rubbing up against a coffin? NEVER! Not on my watch commie bath-turds!

Note to filmmakers: When you have five minutes of a girl crawling in dirt, and walking down hallways don’t just keep building the music louder and more tense, your really not fooling anyone, we can all see, as sexy as is it, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

To maintain a high level of sexiness, the movie ends with a free frame of our main chick then a fade out and the music begins and what the hell is this?
Heavy metal plays for 16 seconds, then
Industrialish Goth music for 12 seconds, then
Heavy metal music for 10 seconds, then
Ambient echo guitar for 10 seconds, then
Industrialish goth for another 8 seconds, then
Crappy chick rock for the final 16 seconds and it’s over?
It’s like some 6 year old with an attention disorder changing the radio station looking for some Oasis, and if Rasta Aslan has anything to do with it that child will be eaten.

On the Uwe Bollomiter, this wonderful little taco of a movie gets a 4 out of 10. It had just enough goodness to outweigh the suck. And if Rasta Jesus Lion knows anything, it’s that NO ONE messes with droopy booby crypt prostitutes.

Why you should see this movie: The Crypt ghosts are bringing together two great things, dead people and water sports…

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: It was all filmed in a house in Arizona. Think about that. Ya.

Six degrees to Uwe!

Cristen Irene from the (sexy) Crypt was also in Jolene with Theresa Russell
Theresa was in Dark World with Michael Pare
Michael was in Tunnel (only Uwe flick I haven’t seen to date) Rats directed by Uwe Ribbed-for-her-pleasure Boll

Next time things get even more sensual in Bleak Future!

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Gives You:

Dead Noon

The Elephant man walks into a bar. You just happen to be sitting at the bar enjoying a tasty jack and coke and munching on some nachos. You see him enter and think, damn, I just kinda feel bad for him. Well, he swaggers on over all pimp like and plants his freaky cheeks next to you and orders a beer. So, ol’ ass faced Merrick starts to talk to you, and 15 minutes later you still don’t have a freaking clue what the oatmeal faced dumb ass has said, but you humor him and just sit and listen. Well, then he starts rubbing your sweet ass and tweaking at your feathery ‘Rachel from Friends’ hairdo and all the while he’s spouting out the same benign and pointless banter that you still can’t understand a single word of. You’re thinking maybe things will change and get a little better or maybe he’ll just go away, (hopefully he won’t go away mad, but he’ll just go away) but he starts rubbing your leg with his blob mittens and teasing at your silver dollar nipples through your fishnet top (metro? What’s that? Never heard of it) but it only gets worse, and even though you’ve become completely unaware of what’s going on around you, it reaches a point where you just have to get this shit over with once and for all. So what do you do, well you get your ass up and run away with shit falling out your ass like a gazelle. Elephant balls ain’t winning any gold medals, so his stay puff looking ass is just gonna sit there and watch you fade into the distance while smelling the sweet scent of your poop. Get the picture?

Then…Dead Noon. What’s it like to watch this movie? Well, either read on or just re-read the above paragraph. The film begins with Kane Hodder Ho-downing out in the desert at night with some bitch with a busted up face. n00b! Well, Hodder-tits (who looks like he ate some pasketti without any utensils) in his infinite evil begins to tell some boring story about nothing and the movie switches to Black and White old west flash backs. My mind drifted away to a happier and safer place, like that episode of Full House where Uncle Jessie learns yoga and tosses his own salad. NOTHING HAPPENS, sure they meant to tell some back-story, but all I smelled was a rotten egg and broccoli shit in my pants. 15 minutes later we return to Dr. Hodder and I actually said aloud: ‘oh my god! I totally forgot, this was all a story told by sheriff cheese dick here, and we are back where we started!’ NOT A DAMN THING HAS HAPPENED HERE! It’s not that I couldn’t understand what was going on, but I was so uninterested that my brain refused to intake any of this crap.

Next, things really get Jack-O crazy as Hodder-cock CONTINUES TO BORE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH HIS LAME ASS STORY. Listen; if anyone was meant to do audio book recordings, Kane Hodder is not your man. Bobcat Goldthwaite has a better chance of a career in voice acting than Hodder. The guy can slice and dice with the best of ‘em, and looks great in a hockey mask, so good in fact he drove me to give up my ‘virginity’ to a hockey player (or the whole team in an abandoned warehouse, they didn’t call the next day, but it doesn’t matter, alcohol numbs the pain), but all be damned if he didn’t make me want to set fire to my pubic hair just to stop the ever present pain this movie was causing. Hmm, do you think that would work? Pubic fire? Did Criss Angel do that one, didn’t think so you levitating bitch, PWNed yet again!

At one point the movie shifts to actual footage of hell! Did you know hell only consists of two people playing a boring game of poker in front of some Hawaiian lava footage while being filmed on an 8-bit pixilated cell phone? Ya, Billy Graham didn’t warn me about that one either. Thanks for nothing you senile douche bag, seriously he looks like Billy Crystal from the Princess Bride and at this point I can’t tell the difference. Take your pills gramps!!

So, there’s some old curse thing, some undead kinda cowboy, a gun that shoots CGI flame bullets and an attempt at something called a story. There’s an alleged affair going on between some characters, but since I never saw any skin or anything close to erotic, I’m gonna guess that (like the rest of the movie) it was all just an inside joke that we as viewers are NOT in on.

Much like the elephant man, I could try to listen to him, but really, who gives a shit. I could have tried harder to pay any attention to this movie, but really, I didn’t give a rat’s ass. This movie compelled my body to betray my brain and lose the ability to function consciously. At the end they try for a skeletons/zombies versus ‘cowboys’ shootout, but fail miserably at everything. Well, I guess the scenery wasn’t too bad, but it doesn’t make up for the driving scenes in front of the worst blue screen in the known universe. Usually I really enjoy watching these movies and playing a good old game of ‘spot the boom mic’, or ‘can you guess the gender’, or even ‘Mams: real or not real’, but I found it impossible to pay any attention to any of this movie. It’s not bad like a train wreck, It’s not even bad like the king of pop, but rather it’s really BAD like Patricia Heaton, you roll your eyes and say “Are you still here, you’re so damn unfunny, just die already!”

This movie works like birth control. If you don’t want to have kids, then spend some time with some and you’ll realize that you REALLY don’t want any. If you don’t want to make a movie then spend some time with this one and you’ll REALLY not want to make one. I guess it functions like birth control on another level as well, because this movie sure ain’t getting anyone laid, especially those unfortunates involved.

In the end we return to 8-bit hell and this whole thing was just a story told by Kane and our beat up bitch on a leash is (OH MY GOD) somehow related to the someone else who passed a curse to her, or some crap like that. Kane gets dead. We go to bed and weep ourselves to sleep. Good old Joe Merrick visits the glory hole. Everyone loses. It would be a true statement that Kane Hodder IS the best part of this movie. Odd, you would NEVER have guessed that this movie was shot and done as a short then all the Hodder stuff was added later to fill in time and add a known name. Wow, these guys are editing geniuses. Would it be okay to rub their noses in this shit they made?

Why you should see this movie: damn it, it just sucks and I don’t think you could handle the truth, if you could watch it all the way through sober, then hats off to you, idiot.

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: God WILL judge you according to a higher law, and I don’t think you can chance this one. Do you?

On the Uwe Boll-omiter this turd nugget gets a solid and unrespectable 9 out of 10, which caused me to lose conciseness and get date raped by K-Fed, or maybe it was Corey Haim I can’t tell the difference because they’re both endowed with a bull sized vagina. I kid, Corey got it on with Jamie Powell from Charles in Charge and she’s got some gorgeous heathen muff. Dive in Corey, Dive in…

No. No degrees to Uwe this time. I am done with this movie it needs to go to its room without dinner and think about what it’s done. I’ll come get you later.

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Alright, let’s be honest for a moment here, I really should have known better and stayed far away from this poopshoot of a movie, but I is dumbers and in hindsight this was a very bad idea.

A gonzo gang of some kooky birds, which I have ascertained to be roosters (or as there known in the ‘the business’, a flock of cocks) get mutated by some crazy wack-a-doodle ‘Flu’ and magically turn into pterodactyls! This apparently happened at some unknown time before the movie and unfortunately it is never really explained. Man, I could of used some back-story, because this complex schematic of a plot was just way to hard to digest on its own.

We begin with some backwoods yokels going hunting (the almighty movies tell me that’s all they do and I believe the movies) and well, they die, attacked by an over abundance of cheesy zooming crane shots and some Sega Genesis pterodactyl thingies.

Then we meet our really cool group of society’s outcasts played by some Jesus camp all-stars. For a bunch of hard ass young criminals, there is surprisingly very little swearing. I’m not sure, they look cool, rebel against the councilor, make fun of the fat kid so ya, I’m pretty sure they’re bible school prodigies. To bad this must be the edited version, I think they should have shown the whole campfire talent show the night before, even though as always (Jebus willing) everyone’s’ talent is just Jonas brothers lip syncs. And of course there’s the pretty girl and the not as pretty girl, so which one do you think curses us with her side boob? So, these hip ‘teens’ inevitably get attacked by our heroes of the movie, the Flu Cocks.

There are three variations of the Flu Cocks (proof of Darwinism?), first is the CGI Cock which looks like shit, and not the good kind of shit with corn. Second is the Man-in-a-suit Cock which looks amazingly like a, well, Man in a Flu Cock suit. Lastly is the Stunt Cock, which is a complex contraption of a bird head on a stick. The film makers keep it fresh so you never know which one you’re gonna get next.

Nothing ROCKS as hard as some 20 something’s acting like underage kids that are hard asses. Well maybe rap metal does, but I’m not sure. I would blame Fred Durst for that abomination, but according to everyone I know Elvis or the Beatles did everything first, so you tell me, Sebastian Haff or Ringo? Who gets the kick in the balls for inventing that crap? Okay, back to the movie; Usually it should be a prerequisite to actually have held a cigarette before you are in a movie acting like you can take a drag form one, and don’t get me started on them really inhaling. I guarantee they had to stop filming for a week because they got head and tummy achies from the resulting nicky buzz and the one guy that didn’t hold the cigarette was definitely close enough for a contact high. That’s just unfortunate, the truth campaign would not approve.

If you’re gonna be the badass longhaired leader of societies outcasts (or Jesus campers), then you should probably not be bitchscrawny like Randy Quaids lanky son in Independence Day. Our group of fearless douchebjorns is rounded out with a white rapper, the (token) black guy, the fat kid, the computer geek, the slut, and the hot misunderstood (not really a) bad girl, so this time Dawson goes to the creek and Katie Holmes’ Hubbard induced rock tit is all like, oh wait sorry I got mixed up there, anyway this is some really heavy atypical stuff.

Two separate stories are both attempting to cellmate rape your brain cells here, one is the unthinkably douchy troubled ‘teens’ being attacked by the pterodactyls, or sorry, I mean the flu enhanced flying cocks, and the other story is the scientists that are all getting super avian cock flu and being quarantined by some mall security guards. Neither of these stories goes anywhere and they are both equally annoying. Of course, in the end the two stories collide and the results are less than stellar, some built up gas is ignited with the intention of killing the flu cocks. It may or may not have worked; I guess we will never know because it is impossible to give a shit about this movie by its inevitably wretched final frame.

On the bright side, at 46 minutes in you get a guest appearance of the rainman as a security guard ranting “halt, we’ll shoot, turn back, definitely Wapner”. Okay, I admit I may have added that last part, but you try watching a movie that numbs your mind to the point that you actually begin to ponder if you could really smoke a cigar in your butthole. I think I would have to practice the uptake a little more. Don’t you worry; I’ve got the exhale down like a criminal. I say cigar for my anus, because I’m a real man and I could take it, besides cigarettes are for pussies.

After everything is said and done and the credits roll, all we’re left with is the wonderful feeling of being let down. This movie was just a bad idea from its inception (or insertion), kind of like inventing a robot that makes Amish people.

The Music was composed by Alan Howarth and I have to ask, what in the hell happened to this guy; he really lost whatever it was that he once had. And I think what he had was being friends with Carpenter. He was special, kinda like the keyboardist for the Buggles, but damn it, Alan sure as shit lost it. As for the Buggles guy, well let’s just say he ain’t doing too bad for himself, look it up, I dare you.

Why you should see this movie: if there are two things you just can’t get enough of, it’s Flu Cocks and Flu Cocks!

Why you should never see this movie: Geordi La Forge will kick your ever-living ass if you think watching this is a good idea! He kicked mine. And don’t just take my word for it…

This movie ranks in at a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, it was really bad, in fact watching this movie was like going through puberty again, my voice cracked, my nads took on the appearance of chewbacca, I attended Hogwarts and got my wand stuck in a Longbottom, my nipples hurt, and I think I may have accidentally found out I was a dumpster baby.

6 degrees to Uwe!

Clare Carey was kind of almost hot in Flu Birds
Clare was also in Smokin’ Aces with The Immortally Radical Ray Liotta
Ray was probably the worst evil wizard ever in In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Uwe “the suckshack” Boll!

Next time Ferguson is manhandled by Dead Noon.

Holy shit!
Written and directed by The John Bowker Experience.
J.R. Bookwalter gets an Exec. Producer Credit and well, I guess once you’ve seen the movie then that’s really no surprise. This flick is distributed by our righteous friends at Tempe Video.

Dude, where do I begin with this cock-knocking masterpiece…

Grown men run around the back woods of BFN Oregon with Star Wars toy blasters (no, really I should know, I bought one for my kid last year, same damn thing except my kids’ makes a cooler sound) and shoot CGI ‘Lasers’ at what may or may not be zombies, they are just people with white makeup on their faces, so maybe the world is just being overrun with pale goths. They probably got mad that Twilight ruined the Vampire so they rose up and conquered the human race. Before the deaths begins, I will be the first to announce that I am indeed a Goth sympathizer, please start this Robert Smith induced massacre elsewhere because I will infiltrate and turn over any resistance forces oh great depressed ones.

Back to the movie, three ballsy Marines (in nice new army fatigues) get ambushed in the woods and find a house with three chicks and then the lusty hot pale Oregon orgy begins! No, I jest, there is no whoopee here, only a longhaired metal head lieutenant and some kick ass zombie mayhem in a house with some Jesus mural door beads! When we are introduced to the first of the three ‘marines’, I think his name was private Vagina or something like that, well anyway Vagina tries to radio the other members of his platoon over what is actually an old turned off cell phone HELD UPSIDE DOWN, damn those budget cuts to our military. When will those meat weasels learn!? Oh, the humanity!

The Metal Head Lieutenant (played by one Chris Keown) is the shit, and I am dead serious about that, I loved this guy! Unfortunately this appears to be his only film credit to date, here’s to hoping that he keeps rocking the B-movie shaft madness. The last of the three Marines is some smartass southern sounding comic relief guy called Sergeant Shirtless Wonder or something like that. It’s the simple fact that all of his chauvinist comments are totally unfunny which actually makes them pretty damn laughable, it’s like watching a clubfoot try to skateboard… everybody wins!

As for our hot chicks, well one can’t talk, one’s just kinda there for no reason, and the other one’s actually a demon, so truth be told Private Vagina’s odds of getting laid are looking almost as good as boot camp. There is however, a cornucopia of freckles. It’s a fact that you have to put cheese on your burger, right? It makes it infinitely better, well same rules apply to freckles on cleavage! Perhaps that’s why I am so attracted to Carrot Top, I’ll have to read up in my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Animals on the Other Side about why that is, but rest assured that it most definitely is. Did you also happen to know that apparently demonic bitches go apeshit over their pot roasts? Well they do, so don’t try putting any of that chick’s deli platter in your mouth without asking first. Speaking of which, let’s now discuss the more important aspect of this or any other movie: The Nudity.

Nudity, ha! Dream on perverts, that’s just another thing they couldn’t afford, but in their defense, nobody wants to see any of these people naked… well, maybe just a little bit. Shirtless Wonder does spend a good deal of time near the end, well, shirtless and tied up courtesy of our demon bitch who now has some Playstation code scribbled on her face, something like up, up, circle, triangle, square, etc. I think it might be some unlockable secret to the Sims, but I’m not sure, again I will have to consult my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Tools for Life DVD on that one.

These zombies evaporate after being shot with a toy blaster ‘laser’ and dear lord, when cut, they actually bleed peanut butter. Take a lesson from Private Vagina and lieutenant Metal Head if you want to get laid, you bleed legume! Shirtless Wonder even takes the time to chop a zombie up in the tool shed and gets peanut butter spunk squirted all over his Burt Reynolds-esque chest. He’s all hairy and covered in peanut butter, you know like your mom. Bam!

I don’t know how this movie can be so bad and make me enjoy the hell out of it as much as I did. So, in the end Shirtless gets de-cocked, Metal Head goes out in a Bon Jovi-esque-perfect-mane-of-hair blaze of glory, and finally Vagina gets to ride in a sweet new mini van and wins the war by littering and throwing his toy blaster out onto the side of the road.

There is not a single line spoken throughout the entire film that is natural or even sounds like it isn’t read by a beauty pageant contestant, but that is exactly what this movies’ allure is all about. It’s bad; in fact it’s really bad. Full on Craptacular, but somehow that’s what’s so damn entertaining. I think a lot of it had to do with nostalgia for me. This movie harkened back to the lost art of funny-because-they-weren’t-trying-to-be B-movie making I grew up with as a kid. Hell, a movie like this used to pop up every Friday and Saturday night on cable and I watched every single one. The key to making these Z-grade movies work and likable is all in the actors, if they are likable people then it translates on the screen. If they are pure assholes trying to be cool and make a movie then ya, IT’S OBVIOUS and the movie sucks regardless of the writing. In the end I really liked this one, it ends up being really enjoyable like a good dream induced EMHO.

You get a little cameraman reflection in the window and some boom mic shadow, but surprisingly that’s about it. I was really hoping for more, but you do the best ya can with what little ya got, right Mike and Sam?

So then down to business…
Why you should see this movie: There is an abundance of kick ass midi oboe all over the sweet stereophonic audio mix, so crank those woofers you dirty hatchet wounds!

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: all that peanut butter might excite your dog… again.

References to Cock in this review: half a bakers dozen.

References to Snatch in this review: 8 (Mike and Sam only count as one. One lip each that is.)

This movie ranks in at a 3 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter: it made me retain water to the point that my cankles looked awful and I decided to not go to my high school reunion and dump pigs blood on that psychic bitch that smells like beef stew. I hate that whore.

• Ariauna Albright from Platoon of the Dead was in The Dead Hate The Living with Matthew “Tiny” McGrory.
• Matthew was in The Devil’s Rejects with P.J. Soles, Bill Moseley and Danny Trejo
• P.J., Bill, & Danny were all in Alone in the Dark II with Zack Ward
• Zack was in Postal directed by Uwe “ach mein gott what a package” Boll!

Next time: Ferguson gets his avian freak on with Flu Birds!

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Well all be damned, color me surprised…

You see I was 100% ready to be wowed with stupidity and utterly unfunny (mad tv) jokes, but somehow this movie defied the odds and entertained me. This means there’s less for me to make fun of, but this works for you because you might actually want to see this one… and not because it’s complete shit.

So, how to begin…

I’ll be honest; the trailer was pretty damn lame. The jokes fell flat and the scenes they showed were pretty weak. Oddly enough, the clips from the preview were actually NOT a good representation of the movie as a whole. The jokes in the movie are well delivered and pretty funny, and while you can get a good sense of the story from the preview, they do throw in a lot of extra goofball stuff that really sells the whole thing. Plus there’s this whole hot foreign chick thing. You’ll for sure recognize MyAnna Buring from The Descent and Doomsday, but the rest of the cast aren’t too familiar (at least here in America that is); luckily they all do a good job. And most importantly, the chicks are hot. There is some really bad CGI to be found here, but it’s all done for laughs, so it actually works out and doesn’t anger you like a, oh I don’t know… a Will Smith movie.

We begin with a prologue that looks just like Dungeons and Dragons The Wrath of the Dragon God (ha ha, ya, I saw it, jealous?), but the humor steps in with the introduction of our two great heroes. Enter Jimmy and Fletch, name a character Fletch and good things should follow, right? Jimmy is unlucky with women and he gets dumped yet again. Fletch is the fat bumbling moron with a filthy mouth and somehow the two of them are chums. They decide to go hiking and we are off to an exceptional set-up. The creepy locals send them to stay the night at a cabin with four hot chicks. And a few boners later the vampire onslaught ensues. Throw in a Vigilant Vicar trying to stop the town’s ancient vampire curse before his daughter turns eighteen and will inevitably become a lesbian vampire, (you know how those crazy town curses can be) and you have a movie! Tried and true formula, I know, but why not? It ain’t broke. Of course people are gonna say that it is just trying to be another Shaun of the dead. And don’t get me wrong, it does feel a lot like that at first, but I will stop short of saying it’s a rip-off. It goes in a very different and more Evil Dead wannabe direction.

The main vamp queen has special mind powers and shoots Aqua-man like mind waves to throw things around, much like Dark City. However, in this movie it works, in Dark City it was the single most stupid thing I had ever witnessed and found myself actually saying aloud “what the hell?” in a theater half full of people. Wait, no I take that back, the Dark City mind waves were the worst until I saw the actual squid/ball sack aliens at the end. God, that was just pure dumbass short-bus moviemaking. There is also a TON of that speed-up/slow-down camera work from 300 all over the place in this movie. The director must have just figured out how to do that and thought if it looked cool 10 times, why not 100 times? Dope!

So as much as it owes to Zack Snyder, Edgar Wright, and Sam Raimi it actually all kinda succeeds. I found the humor to be funny, nothing was amazingly groundbreaking, but it works. The jokes are crude and all sexual in nature (another plus), but really are you expecting something mature and educational from the title? How many movies feature an action sequence as intense as watching a guy keep a vampire from attacking him by holding her back by her bare tits? Gnarly!

I would have thought that Lesbian Vampires in the woods would have frolicked in less clothing, but I guess I’m just old fashioned. I must have blinked and missed the country folk having sex with sheep, because I’m sure it’s there, but I guess I missed it. I mean come on, all the women in the town are lesbian vampires and I would think they would get some magical bareback man-on-man action, but with teeth like that, even cuzin Cletus ain’t tappin it. So, naturally they’d be helping some four-legged friends over the fence, but somehow I didn’t see it in the movie. Guess I’ll just wait for the directors cut, and you can bet I will be waiting.

The music for the movie starts as your standard Sleepy Hollow knock off, but it’s pretty competent and it doesn’t just exploit that one theme, in fact it adds some pretty good orchestrations, a can-can and definite Brian Tyler inspired action/hero themes (just think Children of Dune). The score owes much to Danny Elfman and Brian Tyler, but come on, in reality that’s actually a complement and that is how you get more jobs.

The movie never seems to take itself too serious. They knew exactly what kind of flick they were making from the beginning, a classic? Probably not, but well worth a watch, for sure. While it’s low on gore, there are some really funny kills and some pretty good lines. Surprisingly way less nudity than you would expect from a title like this, but then again Misty Mundae is nowhere to be found so that’s a plus. Sorry Misty, no offense, but Spiderbabe was the last good thing you did.

Hence:
Why you need to see this movie: it’s pretty damn funny, immature and quotable, and it features a mythic ‘cock-sword’, which is the only way to kill the vampire queen. Cheers!

Why you need to avoid this movie: well, the ‘rock’ songs featured in the movie and during the credits are just awful! Ya, that’s all I really didn’t like.

On the Uwe Boll-omiter this movie only barely registered with a 1 out of 10. It was funny and entertaining and did I mention the girls were hot. My neck ached a little bit, but nothing an aspirin didn’t fix.

MyAnna Buring from Lesbian Vampire Killers was in Doomsday with Rhona (Lambert) Mitra

Rhona was naked and that’s about it in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue

Elisabeth was in Back to the Future part II with Billy Zane

Billy was in Bloodrayne by Uwe MFing Boll! Damn that felt good!

Sleep well you Princes of Douche…

The cover promised me so much with a picture of some face that looked like an uncorrected Meg Ryan pic, or perhaps Daryl Hannah after a date with Chris Brown. Ya, it coulda went either way on that one. However (and here’s the spoiler warning) Daryl looks nothing like that in the actual movie, in fact she looks completely normal.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first off, this IS NOT a slasher flick (as it is often described as such) by any stretch of the imagination. The killer(s) (oops did I ruin something for you?) carry and use a shotgun to kill with. Well, I don’t know, maybe I should fact check some more. Is a shotgun considered a knife in Canada? It’s really just a bad attempt at putting a spin on the overly done backwoods killers hunt down and kill the twenty somethings. And the ‘spin’ part is NOT any sort of improvement, it’s more like crooked teeth on a fat chick, it ain’t a deal breaker, but hell, it ain’t doing her any favors either.

Alright, so here’s the rundown and yes if you don’t want to know the ending then don’t read cuz I’m gonna reveal all the juicy Canadian secrets! I feel so naughty, spank me Avril! Daryl Hannah is driving on back roads and picks up a girl with a few smears of blood on her cheeks and the rest of the story unfolds as this girl, Amy Singer (played by Leah Gibson) recounts her wacky adventures in the woods. Oddly the annoying girl tells the story much like a badly written teen fantasy novel (I’m looking directly at you, Stephanie Meager).

So, her story goes as such: A small group of ‘environmentalists’ with nice new sweat shop cloths and huge diamond earrings travel out into the woods of pseudo-Pennsylvania while listening to some crappy Skynyrd rip-off band. So, why are they there? Oh, who cares, what you need to know is how hard they try to make it look like the Texas Chainsaw remake. Then they start getting killed off one by one, but most of the time they try really damn hard not sound incredibly Canadian. A little advice if I may, it’s ‘About’, not ‘A Boot’, just in case you guys were wondering. Magically they are also Anthropologists/Archaeologists, you see as they find human remains, they dig up the entire site, logging and categorizing everything. Wow, Canadians can do anything! Bird! Keep in mind NONE of these guys own a cell phone. Really? Not even one? Did some Amish kid write this? I guess it is Pennsylvania right?

Quickly a crazed Canadian backwoods version of Mushmouth appears and drives an RV into one of the blonde girls, you know the one that’s not as hot as the other one. Death by RV sounds pretty damn cool, but it’s not. It was really stupid and I feel a little bit dumber for having witnessed it. This killer is played by a guy named Twan Holliday. I gotta give credit where it’s due and Twan was pretty badass, how in the hell he and Rob Zombie haven’t made a movie together yet is beyond me. Too bad this movie wasn’t just Twan and Daryl, now that has got some potential!

There’s another killer, it’s the OTHER backwoods guy. Well, let’s see there are two guys out in rural not-quite-Pennsylvania and they are brothers, so they must both be crazy killers, right? About forty minutes of pointless Saving Private Ryan quick shutter running later and we are down to one last girl. Oh, look a bird. Some uninspired deaths and SHOT AFTER SHOT OF BIRDS! Half the footage for this film was apparently taken from the local bird watching society. To be honest even if you have a crippling fear of birds, this movie won’t even make you flinch. But it may turn the weaker of you on with massive amounts of full frontal bird nudity. These ain’t your shaved American birds, nor are they California landing strips, we’re talking French-Canadian all natural Celine Dion Shaggy Meat Wallets. Yee-Haw!

In the end we find that the girl telling this pathetic story is in fact NOT a girl but rather some ghost that accidentally wandered off of Ghost Whisperers set and decided to pay Daryl Hannah a visit. When I die you can bet the first place I’ll be going is straight to Daryl Hannah’s Volvo! Or maybe Uwe Boll’s medicine cabinet. Do you think he has sensitive teeth? Does he whiten them? Athletes foot perhaps? Oh god I wish I knew! Anyway, ya, the chick was dead all along and wanted Daryl to know hear her lame-ass story and finish her communist works, but in the end Daryl dies too. And we are all left feeling like we just watched an episode of Goosebumps. Even the meaty colossal hairy moles on R.L. Stines face wrote scarier stuff than this! This movie relies more on scaring you with things like bad continuity, thin dialogue and weepy angst ridden brow furrowing than anything really scary, like maple leaves! You will not be able to handle the kinds of Canadian horror these kids are dishing out so don’t even attempt it. Stick with truly scary things like swamps and Kate Hudson. Hey look a bird!

The main chick is key to the success of these things and this one did everything she could to make me want her dead! It’s actually really satisfying when you find out she’s really been dead this whole time, because if she had survived I’d be pissed. Well, more pissed than I already am because there weren’t enough birds in this movie! But the true winner of this whole thing is of course our own Daryl Hannah who walks away with the easy paycheck. Well done D.H., you are a true guiding light in our otherwise pallid world.

That wasn’t too painful right? Well then, as it stands this movie ranks a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter, which caused stabbing pain in my left ear canal and dry mouth. There may have been some kind of aching involved, but I’m not sure I was too busy watching some tubular bird footage!

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: That main chick is annoying as hell, the faces she makes are just ridiculous!

Why you should see this movie: That main chick is funny as hell, the faces she makes are just hilarious!

And away we go! This movie was filmed in 2006 and promptly was suppressed by the coolness police for massive amounts of contraband awesomeness… until now! Actually right after it was shot the filmmakers decided it wasn’t up to their elite and obviously amazing standards of entertainment, so they made the choice to hide this thing and actually begin to remake the film with a new director and cast. As far as I can tell it hasn’t received a Region 1 release as of yet, however thanks to a kind and loving god it is available on a fancy Region 2 disc. Finally my Region free player has payed off!!!!
REMAKE!

Co-written by the elusive non-entity known only as Wallace Balboa! Seriously, I gotta know who this cinematic genius is.

But wait there’s more!

This movie is called The Forgotten Ones or The Tribe: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island (and the hills of California) and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Jewel Staite.

This spawned the remake:

The Lost Tribe: a remake of a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Brianna Brown (Timber Falls and NOTLD 3D, yea she’s pretty, and Lance Henriksen)

http://www.rebelfilm.com/film/Rebel_Film/PROMO_TEASER_The_Lost_Tribe.html

(If you were wise enough to ask me, I would say the creatures look the same, but it appears they’ve stolen even more from The Descent. And they keep saying this will go theatrical!)

Which is being confused all over the internet with an Australian movie previously called The Lost Tribe and now renamed:

Primal: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and become magically ‘infected’ and turn into ancient violent creatures that attack those that are not ‘infected’. Starring Zoe Tuckwell-Smith and some other Australian people you’ve never heard of, but scored by Bennett Salvay (Jeepers Creepers).

http://primalthemovie.com

(Did you guys see that movie about vampires in Alaska? That was way cool mate.)

To my utter disbelief, asylum pictures is NOT involved with any of these.

The German cover claims this is a movie in the tradition of The Descent and Predator, which we all know translates into English to mean these are just two of the fine movies they totally ripped off. In their defense, at least it didn’t read: In the tradition of The Cave and Xtro 3.

And we begin in the most terrifying of places… the past! A group of dorks are all killed off by what are obviously the creatures that some current-day dorks will be killed by. Don’t be fooled, these creatures are smart; they can climb trees and stuff. You know you don’t mess with things that climb trees and stuff, that plus the fact they sound just like the Predator. Just don’t mess with that! Well, unless Dutch is around. Oh, wait is Dutch there? Nope? Didn’t think so. Then we are all screwed. Fix it next time around in the remake!

Next we jump to what appears to the untrained eye as a lost episode of Beverly Hills 90210 already in progress, and yes we do get a the highly anticipated boating/dancing/fat guy-in-thong montage to contemporary hip hop. Nicely done Wall-Ass Balboa. We are next introduced to our group of victims, the stuck-up rich girl, the jock, the cool guy, the annoying fat guy and the innocent main final girl played by Jewel Staite from Firefly/Serenity fame. But wait! You even get what is the most unconvincing shipwreck ever put on screen. God, even Pee-Wee’s nemesis Francis staged a better shipwreck during his bath time. That guy had some crunk boobies. There’s no need for me to relay to you the rest of the story, you could guess it and you would be completely right. The only relatively stand out thing here is the third act where our main lady Jewel grows a pair of brass ones and fights back. There’s even some great ninja wirework as Jewel gets her ass handed to her.

Boil it down and essentially this movie is the other side of Harry and the Hendersons. You see, Harry moved in with Lithgow and the Hendersons, but here we have his inbred hillbilly relatives with dreads and receding hairlines. You get to see where Harry came from and how he was limited until he left his job as a janitor at the local university (thanks Sean Maguire!) to see the world in suburbia. My biggest problem would have to be that these unclothed hillbilly ‘monsters’ had no primal junk! All eunuchs! I looked, I paused, I even zoomed in on that shit and they got nothing! Come on, I guarantee a super hairy primal beast man would have some massive tick-ridden vinegar-scented balls. I will refrain from spoiling the reveal about how wussy these things really are, but never fear it is dumb.

Yes, Wall-ass Ballgawker, this movie was not lackluster enough for my taste, I agree in spades.

But not all is as it appears here. Surprisingly this movie is actually not that bad. I would say it was about on level with a Sci Fi original picture, while dumb and uneven, it was kind of entertaining. They even take full advantage of all the latest technologies available; the sound of the ocean waves begins on the left side and actually moves to the right side! Dude, even Predator didn’t try that! Boo-Yah!

Okay, so now the real kick in the bits, you see when a filmmaker decides to remake their own film, for whatever reason, it would make perfect sense to retain the elements that worked in the original and then go from there. Jewel Staite was pretty good, is she in the update? NO! The director was all right, is he back? NEGATIVO!

However, the Creature effects were hopelessly shameful and the script was caca. So, are the individuals responsible for those turds returning for the remake? YES, YES THEY ARE. Why do I have the feeling that I will be back here reviewing the remake? Because I’m psychic, just like the douche himself, John Edwards.

Do they really think that their idea was so original and great that they just can’t bare to move on to another project? Really? I don’t get it. So if the remake bombs then will Wall-ass decide to make the same damn movie for a third time? Maybe in the remake we can find out at the end that the kids all died in the wreck and the island is really limbo and the creatures are like sack-less demon thingies!

This is a very ‘been, there done that’ kind of movie. Nothing here feels original at all and it ends with the main chick getting off the island. Tah-daa!

I will now be channeling that which is Wall-ass Ballgozer the Gatekeeper with my cock-less oujii board.

If you’ve got some kind of mad crush on Jewel Staite then please go on and see this flick, otherwise just watch Olivia Munn in Insanitarium.

I’m going with a safe 5 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-Omiter. It gave me Roid rage. Nothing to do with steroids, but it made my other Roids attack my Gooch Monkey with a ferocity that was unparalleled by all but the ancient ones.

Why you NEED to see this movie: at exactly 27:24 Jewel Staite takes a piss and you get to hear her shit farts. I am dead serious about this actually being in the movie. TERROR UNFEIGNED!!

Why you don’t need to see this movie: Casper Van Dien isn’t in it, but he is in Skeleton Man, Dracula 3000 and Slayer.

6 degrees to Uwe:

Kellan Lutz from the Tribe was also in Twilight with Jackson Rathbone

Jackson was in S. Darko with Matthew Davis

Matthew Davis was in Bloodrayne directed by Uwe MFing Boll!

And all four of those movies blew goat.

Next Time: Ferguson asks ‘What the hell happened to Daryl Hannah’s face!?’ with The Devil’s Ground (AKA The Cycle)

Dear Reader,

Every 100 years the spirit of Pocahauntus returns to kill the descendents of those that killed her people, or her ‘ancestors’ as she refers to them (ya, try to figure that out). This is the story of some lame cliché characters that are all invited to a camp and killed by the vengeful spirit of the titular character. It takes place in the dry dead backwoods of Virginia, or perhaps a part of Virginia that looks exactly like the foothills of Southern California. Really? Everyone in Virginia has California plates and Yucca grows all over out there. Hmmm, I guess I need to get out more. Well, that’s about it. So, now begins our discussion of this unique study into the pain threshold of the human mind.

Poca is played by a cross-eyed version of Angela from Sleepaway camp, seriously I know they make corrective lenses for that, they even made a whole movie about it called May. This is one of your typical low budget failed attempts at a horror comedy. No actual comedy is found here and there is never a moment of horror. It feels more like a group of strangers making up a story on the spot for a student film. No bad movie would be complete without shots of visual boom mike, boom mike shadow, camera and ‘crew’ reflection, redneck spittle on camera lens, and even the sound of the camera operator ‘operating’ the camera. Things get so intense you can actually hear the ‘director’ speaking to the ‘actors’ and telling the camera person what to film. There’s even a voice overdub so bad that the director coaching the actor can be heard in the right side mix.

And these were the relatively better moments…

A note to whoever played guitar on this soundtrack: please stop.

Yes, you are right; this movie does look like your unattractive neighbors homemade porn WITHOUT any actual porn. There is more drool in this movie then fake blood. In fact, the amount of blood contained in this ‘massacre’ would be appropriately called a driblet. To add insult to injury there is no full on bona fide Man-junk-inas but you do get a half chub in heart boxers, but upon listening to the commentary I found out it was just a banana (honestly) and not a real dong. That’s just irresponsible filmmaking, if your not man enough (literally) to sport some wood then leave it to the pros. However there was a special appearance of a package from what appears to be a middle-aged man in a silver sequined adult diaper. Class. There is a short scene of female nudity from the single most strung out and smack-ridden person ever. I would joke more about her obvious level of drug induced numbness, but considering a few year after the movie was made she died of an overdose, I would feel a little bad. Hopefully no one in this movie will die from absence of talent… then I would feel really bad.

If you’re still not convinced that you should stay far away from this movie then I will further inform you about the commentary track contained on its DVD release. The director and a few others drool over the flick (like teen girls over sparkly ‘vampires’) for the full course of the movie. Laughing their asses off and even repeating lines of dialogue that they believe are just too damn funny to allow them to be said only once. It’s like watching America’s funniest home videos, the videos aren’t funny, and the host sure as hell ain’t got comedic talent worth a shit, so why’s the audience laughing? WHY IS THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING?! They draw comparisons between this movie and the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Star Wars. Then they breathe unhealthily heavy into the mic. It’s called a pop screen, look into it.

I can find nothing in this movie that would be considered a redeeming quality. The only thing I can really say for it is that the idea of a killer PocaHauntUs is pretty good and could have been far better in more capable hands.

It has to be done, so here we go

I AWARD THIS MOVIE A 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE UWE BOLL-OMITER. There is NOTHING entertaining about it. There is only pain. This movie may actually cause involuntary death.

Do not see it under any circumstances.

Next Week: Ferguson goes tropical for Jewel Staite in:

The Forgotten Ones (AKA The Tribe)