This episode we start our look back at the A Nightmare On Elm Street series. We discuss ANOES, ANOES part 2: Freddy’s Revenge, and ANOES part 3: Dream Warriors. Being one of the series that we both loved as kids, it was like taking a trip down memory lane but do these movies stand up today?

Music for this episode:

• Mastodon - The Wolf is Loose
• Slayer - Dead Skin Mask
• Dokken - Dream Warriors
• Hidden Track (Meaning, we stuck it at the end of the show): Rush - Roll the Bones

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Creepy and depressing 1970’s classic. Donald Sutherland and his wife have lost their young daughter to drowning. They go to Venice so Donald Sutherland can work on restoring the art in an old church. He keeps seeing a small figure in a red hood, just like his daughter used to wear. He becomes obsessed with catching this figure and with the idea that his daughter may somehow still be alive.

It’s hard to discuss this movie, since it’s about atmosphere and a twist ending. The atmosphere builds slowly but effectively, and by the end you’re devastated and will probably need to go outside to get some fresh air.

So that’s all I’m really going to say. It’s not a fun movie, not at all. But it’s a great movie. Especially if you’re a fan of atmospheric 70’s horror. Highly recommended.

And away we go! This movie was filmed in 2006 and promptly was suppressed by the coolness police for massive amounts of contraband awesomeness… until now! Actually right after it was shot the filmmakers decided it wasn’t up to their elite and obviously amazing standards of entertainment, so they made the choice to hide this thing and actually begin to remake the film with a new director and cast. As far as I can tell it hasn’t received a Region 1 release as of yet, however thanks to a kind and loving god it is available on a fancy Region 2 disc. Finally my Region free player has payed off!!!!
REMAKE!

Co-written by the elusive non-entity known only as Wallace Balboa! Seriously, I gotta know who this cinematic genius is.

But wait there’s more!

This movie is called The Forgotten Ones or The Tribe: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island (and the hills of California) and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Jewel Staite.

This spawned the remake:

The Lost Tribe: a remake of a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Brianna Brown (Timber Falls and NOTLD 3D, yea she’s pretty, and Lance Henriksen)

http://www.rebelfilm.com/film/Rebel_Film/PROMO_TEASER_The_Lost_Tribe.html

(If you were wise enough to ask me, I would say the creatures look the same, but it appears they’ve stolen even more from The Descent. And they keep saying this will go theatrical!)

Which is being confused all over the internet with an Australian movie previously called The Lost Tribe and now renamed:

Primal: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and become magically ‘infected’ and turn into ancient violent creatures that attack those that are not ‘infected’. Starring Zoe Tuckwell-Smith and some other Australian people you’ve never heard of, but scored by Bennett Salvay (Jeepers Creepers).

http://primalthemovie.com

(Did you guys see that movie about vampires in Alaska? That was way cool mate.)

To my utter disbelief, asylum pictures is NOT involved with any of these.

The German cover claims this is a movie in the tradition of The Descent and Predator, which we all know translates into English to mean these are just two of the fine movies they totally ripped off. In their defense, at least it didn’t read: In the tradition of The Cave and Xtro 3.

And we begin in the most terrifying of places… the past! A group of dorks are all killed off by what are obviously the creatures that some current-day dorks will be killed by. Don’t be fooled, these creatures are smart; they can climb trees and stuff. You know you don’t mess with things that climb trees and stuff, that plus the fact they sound just like the Predator. Just don’t mess with that! Well, unless Dutch is around. Oh, wait is Dutch there? Nope? Didn’t think so. Then we are all screwed. Fix it next time around in the remake!

Next we jump to what appears to the untrained eye as a lost episode of Beverly Hills 90210 already in progress, and yes we do get a the highly anticipated boating/dancing/fat guy-in-thong montage to contemporary hip hop. Nicely done Wall-Ass Balboa. We are next introduced to our group of victims, the stuck-up rich girl, the jock, the cool guy, the annoying fat guy and the innocent main final girl played by Jewel Staite from Firefly/Serenity fame. But wait! You even get what is the most unconvincing shipwreck ever put on screen. God, even Pee-Wee’s nemesis Francis staged a better shipwreck during his bath time. That guy had some crunk boobies. There’s no need for me to relay to you the rest of the story, you could guess it and you would be completely right. The only relatively stand out thing here is the third act where our main lady Jewel grows a pair of brass ones and fights back. There’s even some great ninja wirework as Jewel gets her ass handed to her.

Boil it down and essentially this movie is the other side of Harry and the Hendersons. You see, Harry moved in with Lithgow and the Hendersons, but here we have his inbred hillbilly relatives with dreads and receding hairlines. You get to see where Harry came from and how he was limited until he left his job as a janitor at the local university (thanks Sean Maguire!) to see the world in suburbia. My biggest problem would have to be that these unclothed hillbilly ‘monsters’ had no primal junk! All eunuchs! I looked, I paused, I even zoomed in on that shit and they got nothing! Come on, I guarantee a super hairy primal beast man would have some massive tick-ridden vinegar-scented balls. I will refrain from spoiling the reveal about how wussy these things really are, but never fear it is dumb.

Yes, Wall-ass Ballgawker, this movie was not lackluster enough for my taste, I agree in spades.

But not all is as it appears here. Surprisingly this movie is actually not that bad. I would say it was about on level with a Sci Fi original picture, while dumb and uneven, it was kind of entertaining. They even take full advantage of all the latest technologies available; the sound of the ocean waves begins on the left side and actually moves to the right side! Dude, even Predator didn’t try that! Boo-Yah!

Okay, so now the real kick in the bits, you see when a filmmaker decides to remake their own film, for whatever reason, it would make perfect sense to retain the elements that worked in the original and then go from there. Jewel Staite was pretty good, is she in the update? NO! The director was all right, is he back? NEGATIVO!

However, the Creature effects were hopelessly shameful and the script was caca. So, are the individuals responsible for those turds returning for the remake? YES, YES THEY ARE. Why do I have the feeling that I will be back here reviewing the remake? Because I’m psychic, just like the douche himself, John Edwards.

Do they really think that their idea was so original and great that they just can’t bare to move on to another project? Really? I don’t get it. So if the remake bombs then will Wall-ass decide to make the same damn movie for a third time? Maybe in the remake we can find out at the end that the kids all died in the wreck and the island is really limbo and the creatures are like sack-less demon thingies!

This is a very ‘been, there done that’ kind of movie. Nothing here feels original at all and it ends with the main chick getting off the island. Tah-daa!

I will now be channeling that which is Wall-ass Ballgozer the Gatekeeper with my cock-less oujii board.

If you’ve got some kind of mad crush on Jewel Staite then please go on and see this flick, otherwise just watch Olivia Munn in Insanitarium.

I’m going with a safe 5 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-Omiter. It gave me Roid rage. Nothing to do with steroids, but it made my other Roids attack my Gooch Monkey with a ferocity that was unparalleled by all but the ancient ones.

Why you NEED to see this movie: at exactly 27:24 Jewel Staite takes a piss and you get to hear her shit farts. I am dead serious about this actually being in the movie. TERROR UNFEIGNED!!

Why you don’t need to see this movie: Casper Van Dien isn’t in it, but he is in Skeleton Man, Dracula 3000 and Slayer.

6 degrees to Uwe:

Kellan Lutz from the Tribe was also in Twilight with Jackson Rathbone

Jackson was in S. Darko with Matthew Davis

Matthew Davis was in Bloodrayne directed by Uwe MFing Boll!

And all four of those movies blew goat.

Next Time: Ferguson asks ‘What the hell happened to Daryl Hannah’s face!?’ with The Devil’s Ground (AKA The Cycle)

Doctor’s Rounds 08: For part eight, Jason Voorhees took Manhattan. I, on the other hand, took my sweet time!

INGLORIOUS Reviews for QT’s Latest: There are only a few subjects that truly divide the masses. Religion is one. Capital punishment is also in there. Quentin Tarantino is without a doubt a firm addition to that list. So I shall tread carefully, keep this brief and reserve my own opinions for a future occasion.

It has to be said that QT’s new movie INGLORIOUS BASTERDS, has looked fairly promising to date. Posters were appropriately witty and trailers promised a return to boys-own Nazi-era adventuring. However, reviews from the film’s premier at Cannes clearly suggest filing the end product under “P”. For “pure crap”, that is.

In fact, I understand that a bootleg copy is already on it’s way to our own Ferguson for his unique brand of viewing pleasure!

How bad can it be? Well, The Guardian’s movie critic referred to the world’s first screening of the movie with the immortal line, “[QT’s] new film arrived like some colossal armour-plated turkey from hell”. Ah.

But at least the London Telegraph was slightly more positive, stating the movie was, “not so much inglorious as undistinguished.” Ouch.

So, after the tepid reaction to DEATH PROOF and now this critical slaughtering, the big question is whether Quentin still had that special mojo that set the world alight in the mid 90’s? What do you think?

DESCENT PART 2 Not so Decent?: Speaking of early reviews, Aint It Cool News recently posted one of the first reviews of the upcoming sequel to Neil Marshall’s sleeper classic THE DESCENT. Unfortunately, if this preview is reliable, it looks to be an unimaginative rehash of the original. If so, that’d be a real shame.

The first had me clenched in claustrophobic catatonia (god bless alliteration) before having me instantly shit my load during the now famous night vision reveal. Those who’ve listened to the commentaries will know that most of that skill in execution was courtesy of uber-editor Jon Harris… who has debuted his directing skills with DESCENT PART 2.

Click here for the (spoiler heavy) review: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41010

I personally think that this could still be a fun time. Most of my favourite horror movies are cheap-ass sequels that you can throw on to enjoy with a few beers, and this sounds just that kind of flick – obvious example being Cameron’s ALIENS to Scott’s ALIEN (although perhaps a tad lower market!). Couple that with the fact that everything Marshall has been involved with to date has been first class… well, maybe not DOOMSDAY…?

Porno star in PIRANHA 3D: Alexandre Aja makes great horror movies. This is fact. Piranha’s are the baddest fish in any pond. Also fact. And yet I had 0% interest in Aja’s next movie, PIRANHA. Even the added incentive of 3D (which could work best for a killer fish film than any other) didn’t have me even curious. But now? I’m there opening night.

In an obvious move to coax my hard earned cash out of my usually ninja-tight grip, Aja’s gone ahead and cast adult movie star Riley Steele into a leading role! Yes, I’m actually that shallow.

Steele’s obviously got plenty of experience in front of the camera, but quite how this will prepare her for a starring role alongside Oscar nominee Elisabeth Shue, Oscar winner Richard Dreyfuss or Ving Rhames is yet to be seen. Probably best that she focus on the fact that former glamour model Kelly Brook is also featuring.


In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ll probably spend most of the running time focusing on that very fact.

This episode we discuss Tales from the Crypt. We talk about the EC comic line, the HBO television series, and some of the movies that Tales from the Crypt released. We review two films and four episodes of the HBO series.

As usual we go over some feedback… Sam threatens to fax some interesting pics on Man on the Street, and we also give a tribute to a very deserving person.

As many of you know, we’re a proud member of the Douchebag Podcasting Network. Right now, we are asking for your help! We’re running a contest and the prize is Stephen’s (JAFMP) copy of Brutal Massacre. He has no taste and thinks that this film is bad whereas I really enjoyed it.

All you have to do is fill in the dialog boxes and come up with what this couple is discussing. Here is the official blurb:

As you can see, our banner was derived from an actual vintage douche advertisement. But I think this can be funnier, dammit! So our first ever DBPN contest! Email us at dbpnetwork@gmail.com with the funniest fill-in-the-blank-balloons you can come up with. Winner will be decided by majority vote of DBPN members on June 15th, 2009. The winner will receive, appropriately enough, a movie made by douche bags. No, not THE GRAND HORROR. The winner will receive Stephen’s very own copy of BRUTAL MASSACRE. LMB, MFs.

As you can see, there is much at stake, so visit this link to submit your entries!

I’ve not read the X-Men comics (or any variation thereof) for a good few years. And yet even I know that Wolverine has, to date, been portrayed in both video games and movies as a watered down version of the very old, very bitter and ruthlessly violent bastard he’s intended to be.

And it’s clear to all that Hugh Jackman is essentially an overly handsome Australian who prefers his adamantium claws on the end of a nice pair of jazz-hands.

But the stoopidly titled X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE, UNCAGED EDITION (is there any other edition one wonders?) is a clear attempt to convince fans that Jackman is indeed ‘the man’ - the cover is nothing but his face.

However - and more importantly for us horror fans - the other lesson to be learned here is that indestructible claws protruding from the knuckle are indeed pretty sharp and incredibly deadly.

Playing as the titular (ha! - I typed ‘tit’) mutant, the game sees you dismember, decapitate and castrate hundreds of enemies in glorious high definition in your bid for freedom and revenge. Although in reality you can only do two of those three things.

On to game-play… Accessible and well executed combat allows Wolverine to carve his way through a screen full of bad-guys without too much effort. For far-away enemies, ‘Lunge’ moves allow the player to target an individual and dramatically dive across the screen before landing claw-first on the target’s chest or face. Get up-close and there’s no difficulty in subjecting a world of pain on those in your path.

Wolverine isn’t spared punishment of course, and his body visibly disintegrates with each hit he takes. This can sometimes result in Logan running round with his spine, ribs and (presumably knackered) liver on show. But worry not faithful fans, for his annoyingly toned physique regenerates during each few seconds of downtime.

Production values are as high as one would expect from a movie tie-in game, which usually have barrels of cash thrown in their general direction. Both Hugh and Liev lend their voice talent and whilst all other cast members from the movie are missing, the vocals are impressive regardless. Graphics are also high calibre (um… did he mean calibER? –Mike). In-game visuals for both character models and environments are impressive but a selected number of cinematics obviously received extra attention, being ultra-slick and spookily lifelike.

Complaints could include the eventual repetitiveness of gameplay, linear level design and lack of multi-player. But this is like complaining that your indestructible skeleton is the wrong shade of silver for your liking.

In short, this game is pleasantly accessible, surprisingly bloody and very, very satisfying. Buy it. Buy it now.

Dear Reader,

Every 100 years the spirit of Pocahauntus returns to kill the descendents of those that killed her people, or her ‘ancestors’ as she refers to them (ya, try to figure that out). This is the story of some lame cliché characters that are all invited to a camp and killed by the vengeful spirit of the titular character. It takes place in the dry dead backwoods of Virginia, or perhaps a part of Virginia that looks exactly like the foothills of Southern California. Really? Everyone in Virginia has California plates and Yucca grows all over out there. Hmmm, I guess I need to get out more. Well, that’s about it. So, now begins our discussion of this unique study into the pain threshold of the human mind.

Poca is played by a cross-eyed version of Angela from Sleepaway camp, seriously I know they make corrective lenses for that, they even made a whole movie about it called May. This is one of your typical low budget failed attempts at a horror comedy. No actual comedy is found here and there is never a moment of horror. It feels more like a group of strangers making up a story on the spot for a student film. No bad movie would be complete without shots of visual boom mike, boom mike shadow, camera and ‘crew’ reflection, redneck spittle on camera lens, and even the sound of the camera operator ‘operating’ the camera. Things get so intense you can actually hear the ‘director’ speaking to the ‘actors’ and telling the camera person what to film. There’s even a voice overdub so bad that the director coaching the actor can be heard in the right side mix.

And these were the relatively better moments…

A note to whoever played guitar on this soundtrack: please stop.

Yes, you are right; this movie does look like your unattractive neighbors homemade porn WITHOUT any actual porn. There is more drool in this movie then fake blood. In fact, the amount of blood contained in this ‘massacre’ would be appropriately called a driblet. To add insult to injury there is no full on bona fide Man-junk-inas but you do get a half chub in heart boxers, but upon listening to the commentary I found out it was just a banana (honestly) and not a real dong. That’s just irresponsible filmmaking, if your not man enough (literally) to sport some wood then leave it to the pros. However there was a special appearance of a package from what appears to be a middle-aged man in a silver sequined adult diaper. Class. There is a short scene of female nudity from the single most strung out and smack-ridden person ever. I would joke more about her obvious level of drug induced numbness, but considering a few year after the movie was made she died of an overdose, I would feel a little bad. Hopefully no one in this movie will die from absence of talent… then I would feel really bad.

If you’re still not convinced that you should stay far away from this movie then I will further inform you about the commentary track contained on its DVD release. The director and a few others drool over the flick (like teen girls over sparkly ‘vampires’) for the full course of the movie. Laughing their asses off and even repeating lines of dialogue that they believe are just too damn funny to allow them to be said only once. It’s like watching America’s funniest home videos, the videos aren’t funny, and the host sure as hell ain’t got comedic talent worth a shit, so why’s the audience laughing? WHY IS THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING?! They draw comparisons between this movie and the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Star Wars. Then they breathe unhealthily heavy into the mic. It’s called a pop screen, look into it.

I can find nothing in this movie that would be considered a redeeming quality. The only thing I can really say for it is that the idea of a killer PocaHauntUs is pretty good and could have been far better in more capable hands.

It has to be done, so here we go

I AWARD THIS MOVIE A 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE UWE BOLL-OMITER. There is NOTHING entertaining about it. There is only pain. This movie may actually cause involuntary death.

Do not see it under any circumstances.

Next Week: Ferguson goes tropical for Jewel Staite in:

The Forgotten Ones (AKA The Tribe)

“Feeding The Masses”, is a film that I might have easily overlooked, but for circumstances unforeseen by me, it was brought to my attention.

The film was directed by Richard Griffin and written by, Trent Hagga. Both have illustrious careers in the Indy movie circuit.

Some of the actors as well, have numerous Indy ties, others, none at all.

The film, I may have enjoyed, but dismissed as another entertaining Indy zombie flick, however,
due to the current political atmosphere in which we live; it had a far deeper impact on me.

The film, meant to take a comedic but acerbic look at government control of life and the media,
proved to be more pragmatic than comedic. Oh don’t get me wrong, it did have humor, though
the timing was frequently off cue.

The film tells the story of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, in the middle of a catastrophic event. It just so
happens, for my benefit, the catastrophe is the much anticipated, Zombpocalypse.
While the true extent of the Apocalypse is kept from the masses, there are a few that know
the truth, and try to disseminate it to the populace. The film is the familiar story, of the
true and virtuous souls, (although not so virtuous at times), against the avarice, greedy and corrupt.

The atmosphere of the film is enjoyable, even fun at times. With PSA’s reminiscent of
the 1950’s. You know, “How to treat a girl on a date”, or in this case, “Just Play Dead”.
If you ever watch AMC, you’ll know what I mean.

There is plenty of gore for the gore hounds amongst us, with the makeup being adequate for the small budget and short filming time, (about 15 days).

If you are slightly paranoid about government control of the media, and ultimately your welfare and even existence, I wouldn’t advise watching this movie until we get past 2012.

Red Box Rating

(The views represented by this review, are not necessarily the views of the management)

Review by Floridapossum