Who would have thought that your humble hosts would be still putting out the show after a whole year?  Let’s just say that it’s just as big of a shock to us as it is to you.

We don’t really have a theme for this show.  We decided to pick three flicks that we wanted to watch.  We chose Laid to Rest, REC, and Deadgirl.

Tunes for this episode:
- COC - Vote With a Bullet
- Drain S.T.H. - I Don’t Mind
- Pist On - Shoplifters of the World Unite

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Ferguson Takes One For The Team Gives You:

Dead Noon

The Elephant man walks into a bar. You just happen to be sitting at the bar enjoying a tasty jack and coke and munching on some nachos. You see him enter and think, damn, I just kinda feel bad for him. Well, he swaggers on over all pimp like and plants his freaky cheeks next to you and orders a beer. So, ol’ ass faced Merrick starts to talk to you, and 15 minutes later you still don’t have a freaking clue what the oatmeal faced dumb ass has said, but you humor him and just sit and listen. Well, then he starts rubbing your sweet ass and tweaking at your feathery ‘Rachel from Friends’ hairdo and all the while he’s spouting out the same benign and pointless banter that you still can’t understand a single word of. You’re thinking maybe things will change and get a little better or maybe he’ll just go away, (hopefully he won’t go away mad, but he’ll just go away) but he starts rubbing your leg with his blob mittens and teasing at your silver dollar nipples through your fishnet top (metro? What’s that? Never heard of it) but it only gets worse, and even though you’ve become completely unaware of what’s going on around you, it reaches a point where you just have to get this shit over with once and for all. So what do you do, well you get your ass up and run away with shit falling out your ass like a gazelle. Elephant balls ain’t winning any gold medals, so his stay puff looking ass is just gonna sit there and watch you fade into the distance while smelling the sweet scent of your poop. Get the picture?

Then…Dead Noon. What’s it like to watch this movie? Well, either read on or just re-read the above paragraph. The film begins with Kane Hodder Ho-downing out in the desert at night with some bitch with a busted up face. n00b! Well, Hodder-tits (who looks like he ate some pasketti without any utensils) in his infinite evil begins to tell some boring story about nothing and the movie switches to Black and White old west flash backs. My mind drifted away to a happier and safer place, like that episode of Full House where Uncle Jessie learns yoga and tosses his own salad. NOTHING HAPPENS, sure they meant to tell some back-story, but all I smelled was a rotten egg and broccoli shit in my pants. 15 minutes later we return to Dr. Hodder and I actually said aloud: ‘oh my god! I totally forgot, this was all a story told by sheriff cheese dick here, and we are back where we started!’ NOT A DAMN THING HAS HAPPENED HERE! It’s not that I couldn’t understand what was going on, but I was so uninterested that my brain refused to intake any of this crap.

Next, things really get Jack-O crazy as Hodder-cock CONTINUES TO BORE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH HIS LAME ASS STORY. Listen; if anyone was meant to do audio book recordings, Kane Hodder is not your man. Bobcat Goldthwaite has a better chance of a career in voice acting than Hodder. The guy can slice and dice with the best of ‘em, and looks great in a hockey mask, so good in fact he drove me to give up my ‘virginity’ to a hockey player (or the whole team in an abandoned warehouse, they didn’t call the next day, but it doesn’t matter, alcohol numbs the pain), but all be damned if he didn’t make me want to set fire to my pubic hair just to stop the ever present pain this movie was causing. Hmm, do you think that would work? Pubic fire? Did Criss Angel do that one, didn’t think so you levitating bitch, PWNed yet again!

At one point the movie shifts to actual footage of hell! Did you know hell only consists of two people playing a boring game of poker in front of some Hawaiian lava footage while being filmed on an 8-bit pixilated cell phone? Ya, Billy Graham didn’t warn me about that one either. Thanks for nothing you senile douche bag, seriously he looks like Billy Crystal from the Princess Bride and at this point I can’t tell the difference. Take your pills gramps!!

So, there’s some old curse thing, some undead kinda cowboy, a gun that shoots CGI flame bullets and an attempt at something called a story. There’s an alleged affair going on between some characters, but since I never saw any skin or anything close to erotic, I’m gonna guess that (like the rest of the movie) it was all just an inside joke that we as viewers are NOT in on.

Much like the elephant man, I could try to listen to him, but really, who gives a shit. I could have tried harder to pay any attention to this movie, but really, I didn’t give a rat’s ass. This movie compelled my body to betray my brain and lose the ability to function consciously. At the end they try for a skeletons/zombies versus ‘cowboys’ shootout, but fail miserably at everything. Well, I guess the scenery wasn’t too bad, but it doesn’t make up for the driving scenes in front of the worst blue screen in the known universe. Usually I really enjoy watching these movies and playing a good old game of ‘spot the boom mic’, or ‘can you guess the gender’, or even ‘Mams: real or not real’, but I found it impossible to pay any attention to any of this movie. It’s not bad like a train wreck, It’s not even bad like the king of pop, but rather it’s really BAD like Patricia Heaton, you roll your eyes and say “Are you still here, you’re so damn unfunny, just die already!”

This movie works like birth control. If you don’t want to have kids, then spend some time with some and you’ll realize that you REALLY don’t want any. If you don’t want to make a movie then spend some time with this one and you’ll REALLY not want to make one. I guess it functions like birth control on another level as well, because this movie sure ain’t getting anyone laid, especially those unfortunates involved.

In the end we return to 8-bit hell and this whole thing was just a story told by Kane and our beat up bitch on a leash is (OH MY GOD) somehow related to the someone else who passed a curse to her, or some crap like that. Kane gets dead. We go to bed and weep ourselves to sleep. Good old Joe Merrick visits the glory hole. Everyone loses. It would be a true statement that Kane Hodder IS the best part of this movie. Odd, you would NEVER have guessed that this movie was shot and done as a short then all the Hodder stuff was added later to fill in time and add a known name. Wow, these guys are editing geniuses. Would it be okay to rub their noses in this shit they made?

Why you should see this movie: damn it, it just sucks and I don’t think you could handle the truth, if you could watch it all the way through sober, then hats off to you, idiot.

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: God WILL judge you according to a higher law, and I don’t think you can chance this one. Do you?

On the Uwe Boll-omiter this turd nugget gets a solid and unrespectable 9 out of 10, which caused me to lose conciseness and get date raped by K-Fed, or maybe it was Corey Haim I can’t tell the difference because they’re both endowed with a bull sized vagina. I kid, Corey got it on with Jamie Powell from Charles in Charge and she’s got some gorgeous heathen muff. Dive in Corey, Dive in…

No. No degrees to Uwe this time. I am done with this movie it needs to go to its room without dinner and think about what it’s done. I’ll come get you later.

On the forums there has been some talk of Saw VI and even Saw VII. Yes… I did say VII. In fact, our own Dr. Smirnoff talked about how Saw VII would be the beginning of a new story arc trilogy.

There was discussion of what the plot would consist of and what direction was left for the series to go. Well, it seems like rhyno440 has his own idea of what is to come:

The Cadaver Lab Website has changed homes!  We’ve decided that we’re going to go to a Wordpress installation. This will not only save us some cash, but it will save us a bunch of time.

So, the site will look similar, but there will be subtle differences. The main difference will be that all of the links will be found in the left column instead of across the top. There will be all the awesome wordpress features like post categories, search by date, and an overall search for the site.

Do not worry! We are not making any changes to the forums at all!

One Last thing; Since we changed our servers, our email addresses (mike@cadaverlab.com, sam@cadaverlab.com) may be a little sketchy through Monday, July 27th.  Feel free to shoot us a voicemail though:  (206) 339-2730.

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Alright, let’s be honest for a moment here, I really should have known better and stayed far away from this poopshoot of a movie, but I is dumbers and in hindsight this was a very bad idea.

A gonzo gang of some kooky birds, which I have ascertained to be roosters (or as there known in the ‘the business’, a flock of cocks) get mutated by some crazy wack-a-doodle ‘Flu’ and magically turn into pterodactyls! This apparently happened at some unknown time before the movie and unfortunately it is never really explained. Man, I could of used some back-story, because this complex schematic of a plot was just way to hard to digest on its own.

We begin with some backwoods yokels going hunting (the almighty movies tell me that’s all they do and I believe the movies) and well, they die, attacked by an over abundance of cheesy zooming crane shots and some Sega Genesis pterodactyl thingies.

Then we meet our really cool group of society’s outcasts played by some Jesus camp all-stars. For a bunch of hard ass young criminals, there is surprisingly very little swearing. I’m not sure, they look cool, rebel against the councilor, make fun of the fat kid so ya, I’m pretty sure they’re bible school prodigies. To bad this must be the edited version, I think they should have shown the whole campfire talent show the night before, even though as always (Jebus willing) everyone’s’ talent is just Jonas brothers lip syncs. And of course there’s the pretty girl and the not as pretty girl, so which one do you think curses us with her side boob? So, these hip ‘teens’ inevitably get attacked by our heroes of the movie, the Flu Cocks.

There are three variations of the Flu Cocks (proof of Darwinism?), first is the CGI Cock which looks like shit, and not the good kind of shit with corn. Second is the Man-in-a-suit Cock which looks amazingly like a, well, Man in a Flu Cock suit. Lastly is the Stunt Cock, which is a complex contraption of a bird head on a stick. The film makers keep it fresh so you never know which one you’re gonna get next.

Nothing ROCKS as hard as some 20 something’s acting like underage kids that are hard asses. Well maybe rap metal does, but I’m not sure. I would blame Fred Durst for that abomination, but according to everyone I know Elvis or the Beatles did everything first, so you tell me, Sebastian Haff or Ringo? Who gets the kick in the balls for inventing that crap? Okay, back to the movie; Usually it should be a prerequisite to actually have held a cigarette before you are in a movie acting like you can take a drag form one, and don’t get me started on them really inhaling. I guarantee they had to stop filming for a week because they got head and tummy achies from the resulting nicky buzz and the one guy that didn’t hold the cigarette was definitely close enough for a contact high. That’s just unfortunate, the truth campaign would not approve.

If you’re gonna be the badass longhaired leader of societies outcasts (or Jesus campers), then you should probably not be bitchscrawny like Randy Quaids lanky son in Independence Day. Our group of fearless douchebjorns is rounded out with a white rapper, the (token) black guy, the fat kid, the computer geek, the slut, and the hot misunderstood (not really a) bad girl, so this time Dawson goes to the creek and Katie Holmes’ Hubbard induced rock tit is all like, oh wait sorry I got mixed up there, anyway this is some really heavy atypical stuff.

Two separate stories are both attempting to cellmate rape your brain cells here, one is the unthinkably douchy troubled ‘teens’ being attacked by the pterodactyls, or sorry, I mean the flu enhanced flying cocks, and the other story is the scientists that are all getting super avian cock flu and being quarantined by some mall security guards. Neither of these stories goes anywhere and they are both equally annoying. Of course, in the end the two stories collide and the results are less than stellar, some built up gas is ignited with the intention of killing the flu cocks. It may or may not have worked; I guess we will never know because it is impossible to give a shit about this movie by its inevitably wretched final frame.

On the bright side, at 46 minutes in you get a guest appearance of the rainman as a security guard ranting “halt, we’ll shoot, turn back, definitely Wapner”. Okay, I admit I may have added that last part, but you try watching a movie that numbs your mind to the point that you actually begin to ponder if you could really smoke a cigar in your butthole. I think I would have to practice the uptake a little more. Don’t you worry; I’ve got the exhale down like a criminal. I say cigar for my anus, because I’m a real man and I could take it, besides cigarettes are for pussies.

After everything is said and done and the credits roll, all we’re left with is the wonderful feeling of being let down. This movie was just a bad idea from its inception (or insertion), kind of like inventing a robot that makes Amish people.

The Music was composed by Alan Howarth and I have to ask, what in the hell happened to this guy; he really lost whatever it was that he once had. And I think what he had was being friends with Carpenter. He was special, kinda like the keyboardist for the Buggles, but damn it, Alan sure as shit lost it. As for the Buggles guy, well let’s just say he ain’t doing too bad for himself, look it up, I dare you.

Why you should see this movie: if there are two things you just can’t get enough of, it’s Flu Cocks and Flu Cocks!

Why you should never see this movie: Geordi La Forge will kick your ever-living ass if you think watching this is a good idea! He kicked mine. And don’t just take my word for it…

This movie ranks in at a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, it was really bad, in fact watching this movie was like going through puberty again, my voice cracked, my nads took on the appearance of chewbacca, I attended Hogwarts and got my wand stuck in a Longbottom, my nipples hurt, and I think I may have accidentally found out I was a dumpster baby.

6 degrees to Uwe!

Clare Carey was kind of almost hot in Flu Birds
Clare was also in Smokin’ Aces with The Immortally Radical Ray Liotta
Ray was probably the worst evil wizard ever in In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Uwe “the suckshack” Boll!

Next time Ferguson is manhandled by Dead Noon.

I realize that this is kind of strange timing… at least for me. I just got done with my 10 day free trial playing WOW (World of Warcraft for the uninitiated… and me a few months ago). This morning I found an article that says that after he finishes directing Spiderman 4, Raimi will direct a screen adaptation of WOW… Here is the article!

You may be asking yourself why the hell it took the Cadaver Lab so damn long to dedicate a show to the man who they obviously are huge fans of? To that we say… Don’t worry about it. Leave us alone! Just kidding.

We choose three gems for this episode. Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, My Name is Bruce, and Bubba Ho-Tep.

We also dedicate the music to Dave from the Cheap and Dirty Podcast. All Black Metal!!! Man that guy’s lust for metal is insatiable.

As usual, we go over listener voicemails and we’ve got a nice Tribute for you.

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We’re back discussing the next three films in the A Nightmare On Elm Street Series. The series takes a turn for the cheesy… but is this a bad thing? We discuss.

We have plenty of your voicemails to go through (which we appreciate very much!). We also take a break from the metal to bring you the theme of “Seattle in the 90’s” for our musical choices.

Contact us at feedback@cadaverlab.com and leave us a voicemail at (206)339-2730.

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We here at the Cadaver Lab have such a treat for you! We’ve found a picture of this extraordinarily handsome man. Not only is this man very handsome, he is one of the greatest celebrities of all time. The only problem is that his talent and handsomeness have been wasted because he has only been in one movie.

We’re going to do a contest involving this photo. If you can identify this man, you will get an awesome prize package from the Cadaver Lab!

We’ve created a thread in the forums to place your guesses!