From time to time some of our listeners informs us that instead of just talking about things in the horror genre, they actually add something to make the genre stronger. Listener, Liam, has been kind enough to share a movie with us that he was involved in creating! I watched it and enjoyed it, so I figured that I’d put it up on the site so that you guys can check it out! Thanks to Liam for sharing with this and sending this description over:
Berserk is a short film that takes a look at the aftermath of a brutal massacre. Alex and Wes narrowly escape and must come to terms with the sudden and bizarre deaths of their friends, while stranded on the side of a country road.
Some friends and I made this movie for fun a few summers back, for an annual halloween short film festival here in Winnipeg. We wanted to try something that took place after the typical events of a slasher/monster movie. I co-wrote and co-produced it, and also make a cameo as ‘Scotty’, the guy who ends up in the fireplace. Good times!
I just want to say that this episode is not for the weak! First of all, it’s twice the length of an already long episode of the CL. Also, we have so much content with interviews, tunes, feedback, and movie reviews, that your head just may explode.
First of all, we have an interview with Shawn Gabborin, the owner and writer for Angry Gnome Comics (http://www.angrygnomecomics.com). Make sure to listen to that because there is an awesome contest in conjunction with this interview and the Pittsburgh Comic-Con.
Next, we have a discussion of films in the category of “Girl Power”! Films where women kick ass and take names. We discuss The Descent, Ginger Snaps, and the ever-cheery I Spit on your Grave.
Lastly, but not leastly, we have an interview with the Horror Punk Rockers DieMonsterDie. This band hails from our hometown of Salt Lake City. They were kind enough to sit down with me for an interview. They are great guys with awesome talent! Keep your eyes out for these guys in the future. Also, we have selected tracks from their catalog playing throughout this episode.
Sit back, grab your Tums, make sure the kiddies aren’t in the room, then get on this bitch!
Or Tasty Bitch Grave robbers vs. the Undead.
Written, directed, produced, original music, and cinematography by Craig McMahon, who by the way may or may not sing for Buckcherry, but most definitely is one sensual bastardo!
The movie is basically a bunch of spliff-induced actresses trying really hard to be hardened criminals that are going to break into a crypt and steal some jewels from the provocatively inclined dead. One guy is along for the ride with his more innocent girlfriend and that’s really about it. They get down there, things go slow, shit happens and we all take Xanax and draw our feelings.
Yes, that’s right, it is a bunch of women underground with some bad things waiting for them. Now, I (as a passionately trained sexy professional) tried very hard to NOT make any comparisons between this and the Descent, but the harder you try, the more this movie defies you. There are scenes that appear so damn similar that you just can’t help it. Girl caught small tight space while a it begins to cave in while also talking to friends, or how about this one: a lone girl wanders over from the group and shines her light down a hallway, blah, blah, you know how it goes.
You may ask at various horny points, what’s that at the end of the hall there, and Rasta Aslan happily answers “It be da sunlight bitches, go grow dem some smoke!” Yes, that’s right nighttime underground locked in a crypt and there is sunlight. In fact every hallway is lined with electric working lights, yet these sultry criminals still have their headlamps turned on the whole damn time. Why? Well, everyone knows headlamps make demons cry! That’s why. This movie is constantly full of light everywhere there shouldn’t be any, and lusty temptresses where others would have put milfs. So, from a hallway to a room to the same hallway and back to the same room and then they end up in water. Did you know that if you put the camera in a different corner of the room, then magically it is a different room! And Rasta Aslan says, “Shit ya!”
The ghostly people in the crypt are creepily well done. Unfortunately when they actually kill, it’s all build up and no pay off, you know like having sex with a soccer player.
At 37 minutes I finally had to check how much time had passed and to my surprise it was in fact NOT an hour, this movie magically places the viewer in a djinn like lamp where time does not pass. All this sexiness must have rendered time incapable of progressing.
As for the “Crypt” itself, Good god the thing just keeps going! I was expecting Hoggle or Jareth to pop up around the next corner. They never did. Assholes. Fortunately this crypt like labyrinth has two openings and to it’s esteem, it took it form both ends.
Our sexy ghosts just want their family jewels back, so in the end the two remaining thieves give them all back and they just (sexily) saunter on by. But wait, you didn’t think it would be that easy did you? No one gets out, not really, oh shit, don’t look now one of the girls still has a bracelet and all hell is gonna break loose!
Now see here Craig McMahon, they got out and the movie is over, I cannot fathom these people suffering any more pain or unduly lustfulness! BUT NO! Instead they decide to throw another act at us, and the boner inducing crypt phantoms ascend and get final revenge and oh my god what a great ending, what?, but WAIT, HELL NO, that just didn’t feel final enough. Rasta Aslan roars “Cool dem cheap dirty sluts now, dis shit aint been over yet!” Someone decides to go back down again. If you’re keeping score, which I am not, the movie should have ended last fortnight, but someone was just too sexily indecisive to pick a conclusion and stick with it.
So the chick goes back and who the hell knows what happened then, it just kind of fades into the halls of eternal sexibility.
There are only three reasons that a love story should exist in a horror movie:
1. So that one of the lovers can die later and then very sexy revenge is imminent.
2. So that one of the lovers turns out to be the killer (oh, how simply scandalous).
3. So we can have some tits and ass, and possibly bare male ass cheeks (since that’s all these Hollywood cowards are willing to give us lately).
Luckily this movie follows the rules and gives not only a quick glance at some perk-a-liciously trashy boobs, but it also graces us with a death of a loved one. Oh snap, did they really die down there? Sadly no man ass is included in this tender love story. Is it actually possible to go down into a crypt and steal anything without some bare man cheeks rubbing up against a coffin? NEVER! Not on my watch commie bath-turds!
Note to filmmakers: When you have five minutes of a girl crawling in dirt, and walking down hallways don’t just keep building the music louder and more tense, your really not fooling anyone, we can all see, as sexy as is it, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
To maintain a high level of sexiness, the movie ends with a free frame of our main chick then a fade out and the music begins and what the hell is this?
Heavy metal plays for 16 seconds, then
Industrialish Goth music for 12 seconds, then
Heavy metal music for 10 seconds, then
Ambient echo guitar for 10 seconds, then
Industrialish goth for another 8 seconds, then
Crappy chick rock for the final 16 seconds and it’s over?
It’s like some 6 year old with an attention disorder changing the radio station looking for some Oasis, and if Rasta Aslan has anything to do with it that child will be eaten.
On the Uwe Bollomiter, this wonderful little taco of a movie gets a 4 out of 10. It had just enough goodness to outweigh the suck. And if Rasta Jesus Lion knows anything, it’s that NO ONE messes with droopy booby crypt prostitutes.
Why you should see this movie: The Crypt ghosts are bringing together two great things, dead people and water sports…
Why you shouldn’t see this movie: It was all filmed in a house in Arizona. Think about that. Ya.
Six degrees to Uwe!
Cristen Irene from the (sexy) Crypt was also in Jolene with Theresa Russell
Theresa was in Dark World with Michael Pare
Michael was in Tunnel (only Uwe flick I haven’t seen to date) Rats directed by Uwe Ribbed-for-her-pleasure Boll
Next time things get even more sensual in Bleak Future!
As I was searching the net for some horror-related topics, I stumbled upon a horror-rock band named DieMonsterDie. The great thing is that they are from right here in Salt Lake City! A light bulb went on in my head with the flashing words: Examiner Article!
I got in touch with one of the band members and he was willing to send over some music and answer some questions for me! I was very stoked to find these guys and I have been listening to their music practically non-stop since I found them.
Head over to DieMonsterDie’s official site. There you will find some hand-picked tracks for your listening pleasure. That’s all it took for me, now I’m a fan of their work.
As an added bonus (aren’t I such a great dude? What’s that? I’m a douche? Yeah… you’re right) here is a music video of theirs:
In this day and age of podcasters reaching for the sky and podcasters selling out (see Corey’s Midnight Money Cast and Stephen’s JAFMPSBRB… “Just Another F#@$ Movie Podcast Sponsored By Red Bull), we’ve decided to get a little head start on putting together some business cards. After many hours of consideration, this is what Sam came up with (Compliments of Rhyno440)
Since we didn’t know what we were going to do for next episode until after we recorded last episode, I figured that I’d throw out a heads-up. We’re going to be doing a “Girl Power” episode where we are going to feature three films where chicks kick ass!
The three that we’ve chosen are Ginger Snaps, The Descent, and I Spit on your Grave. If you have any thoughts on these flicks or on any other movies that would fit in this category, call us up and leave a voicemail!
The Second Annual SLC Zombie Walk has come and gone. Having never attended a Zombie Walk before, I must say that it was definitely a fun experience. I was impressed the number of participants that showed up.
In this episode, we revisit Friday the 13th parts 4, 5, and 6. In celebration of the awesome tunes that Alice Cooper lends to the Friday the 13th part 6 soundtrack, we choose three selections from Mr. Cooper’s library to play on the show. Also, Sam gives his review of Level 26 by Anthony E. Zuiker.
As usual, we listen to some voicemails and talk about inappropriate things.
Our good friend Johnny from Oklahoma City has started his own horror review show! He and his fellow horror-lover Mike do a great job of talking horror in a way that is insightful and entertaining. Also, YOU MUST RESPECT THE GOATEE!
The Second Annual SLC Zombie walk is set to take place tomorrow night. Sam and I will be there taking photos and actually doing some video! Sam may even get an (Undead) Man on the Street to use for our next episode!
From time to time some of our listeners informs us that instead of just talking about things in the horror genre, they actually add something to make the genre stronger. Listener, Liam, has been kind enough to share a movie with us that he was involved in creating! I watched it and enjoyed it, so I figured that I’d put it up on the site so that you guys can check it out! Thanks to Liam for sharing with this and sending this description over:
I just want to say that this episode is not for the weak! First of all, it’s twice the length of an already long episode of the CL. Also, we have so much content with interviews, tunes, feedback, and movie reviews, that your head just may explode.
In this day and age of podcasters reaching for the sky and podcasters selling out (see Corey’s Midnight Money Cast and Stephen’s JAFMPSBRB… “Just Another F#@$ Movie Podcast Sponsored By Red Bull), we’ve decided to get a little head start on putting together some business cards. After many hours of consideration, this is what Sam came up with (Compliments of Rhyno440)
In this episode, we revisit Friday the 13th parts 4, 5, and 6. In celebration of the awesome tunes that Alice Cooper lends to the Friday the 13th part 6 soundtrack, we choose three selections from Mr. Cooper’s library to play on the show. Also, Sam gives his review of Level 26 by Anthony E. Zuiker.
